Uticopa Blog

Divorce is a stressful time for all-concerned. Depending on the personalities involved, the transition can move along on co-operative lines, via angry skirmishes or by plain suffering and doubt on all sides.

In a so-called ‘co-operative' divorce, both parents work together to restructure their own relationship and their family to allow the children as normal a relationship with each of them as possible. This means co-operating with each other as to finances, logistics and family commitments as well as actively supporting the children's emotional relationships with the other parent and the extended families. In co-operative divorces the parties consciously try not to engage in behaviour they understand to be inflammatory to the other side.

However, an angry divorce doesn't have to be an alienating one. Alienation occurs when both parents use their children to meet their own emotional needs or as innocent pawns to inflict retribution on the other side. The focus in determining whether or not there is alienation in an angry divorce must be, not on the degree of rage or loss expressed, but on the behavioural willingness to involve the children.

Parenting

Some single mothers, post-divorce, have had their care dismissively described as ‘diminished parenting'. It's certainly true that divorced parents are less likely to provide consistent rules and supervision. They can set harsh consequences in some instances but ignore problematical behaviour in others. All seem to hinge on the parent's level of energy and frustration. In turn, this inconsistency teaches children that they should first try ‘getting away with something' because they are likely to get away with it at least some of the time.

Single mothers in these situations are also prone to use more coercive or controlling behaviour. For example, they give orders and expect them to be obeyed, but fail to follow-up to make sure the child is able to do them and then whether the task is actually carried out. Mothers may have less patience than before the divorce regarding normal childhood resistance, they may be expecting more from their children around the home, and may simply have less energy to patiently explain things or tolerate bad behaviour. All of this leads to less nurturing, spontaneous and patient parenting than before.

So, what's a Mum to do?

• Keep your anger to yourself. Don't argue with the father in front of the children or on the phone with the children nearby; count to ten or write it down for later if you have to.
• Don't undermine the children's father in front of them or in front of others who would repeat it to them.
• Invite the father to the children's important events and activities.
• Assure the children that you won't try to replace their father with a new partner; introduce them to any serious new partners and give them time to get used to him before he spends any significant time with the family.
• Be sure to discuss your children with him, as well as his attitudes toward your children, before they spend any significant time together.
• Let your children keep pictures and mementoes from their relationship with their father; don't make them choose between you and their dad.
• Assure them that the divorce and any visiting problems afterwards are not their fault, but problems for adults to deal with.
• Don't be afraid to get counselling for you or them if needed.
  Make sure sons, especially, get exposure to male role models through sport, male relatives, or even the fathers of their friends.
• Don't be ashamed of being a single mother; realize you are a strong person, and a powerful figure in your child's life; you can still guide them and set them on the right path.
• Build a support network with other single parents.
• Remember you don't need a man to survive.
• Watch your money, budget your time, and be proactive in your life.
• Stay in touch and on friendly terms with other adults in your children's lives, e.g. school teachers, and the staff at your doctor's or dentist's office.
• And for daughters, talk to them about the things you wished your mother had talked to you about, love them, be honest and admit mistakes when they happen, and set the example for them so they know they can be strong women too.

Above all, newly-divorced mothers need to recognise the many adjustments that need to be made. There may well be increased depression, anxiety, stress, anger and self-doubt.  If things get really too much to handle in the early days, there are well-trained counsellors on hand to help:  either via marriage/divorce counselling or more general mental health therapy.

However, be reassured:  for many women, these emotional difficulties usually improve considerably by the second year after the divorce. 

Time will heal.