Uticopa Blog

No matter whose decision it is to separate, fathers suffer stress, anxiety and loneliness when living apart from their children.  All fathers in such situations say they feel cut off from reality, unable to sleep or work.

Some fathers in these situations try to take the law into their own hands. One civil rights group, Fathers4Justice, does just this as a means of giving a generation of children the right in law to see their fathers. Founded in 2002, it sets out to give parents, grandparents and children a fair, just, open and equitable system of family law.

There is no doubt, though, that when a marriage breaks down, trying to work things out between both parties out of court is always the easiest solution, both practically and for each other's state of mind.

When we think of divorce, automatically we picture a lone mother struggling to bring up her children on her own.  But what of the father and his state of mind? Below are various states of mind that fathers can expect to go through with divorce looming.

Step 1: Mixed feelings about the divorce

Have I done the right thing? Waking up without the children in the house coupled with no contact with them for weeks on end will understandably cause deep anxiety, even if you feel a measure of relief at having escaped an unhappy marriage.

Step 2: Worrying whether the divorce will go smoothly

Do you still hope that the separation and divorce will go through without a hitch? Divorce often makes people who were once lovers suddenly enemies who are now focused on punishing each other and exacting revenge. Tragically, both parents and children then become casualties.

Step 3: What does history tell fathers?

Statistics tell us that generally 85% of lone parents are women, giving the majority of fathers no custodial rights over their children. In effect, children in these situations live with their mothers and can expect only to ‘visit' their fathers.

Step 4: Difficulties

Because the role of the divorced father is new, fathers don't know how to deal with it. For example, if the children are not happy to see you, should you ignore their indifference or argue with them? When they forget your birthday, should you forget it or remind them of your hurt? And when they tell you they would rather go back early this Sunday, should you remind them that this is your time or offer to take them back even earlier? The very uncertainty builds stress.

Step 5: Maintenance

Mental stress increases further when the situation reaches your wallet. You will have to pay child support or maintenance, which can be worked out with your ex or a monthly sum mandated by the Child Support Agency, depending on your income. Money issues never come easily and can often cause fresh anguish. If at all possible you should try to keep up your maintenance payments, making them on time and in full. This shows responsibility to your children and eliminates at least one legal hold your ex might have over you.

Step 6: Don't worry - things will settle down

Both your ex-wife and children will come to know how important time is with your children and accept that ‘dad's time' is something that will occur. This promotes stability in your children's lives because they know when they will be with you. It also gives them a clear message that they are important to you. No matter what anyone else says, they will know that they will only ever have one biological father and they will see that you care about them.

Step 6: A special bond with your children

As events work themselves out, you will gradually build a new relationship with your children. It will be different from before the divorce, but in some ways it can be stronger. It will require you to be determined to maintain a strong bond with your children and they are resilient enough to weather the changes. But there is a specialness in knowing that both father and children can come through a difficult time and keep a close relationship. And they should know that you didn't abandon them and that they have always been important to you.

Step 7: Changes

As the years pass, your time with them will naturally decrease as they move up to secondary school, attend university, start work and move away. But most divorced couples mellow with age. You may even become friends. However, others sometimes remain at war. When this happens, the children, even as adults, continue to suffer as innocent bystanders. Quite often children of divorced parents go off to university and never again return home.

Help

A trouble shared is a trouble halved. There's no need to worry alone. Try phoning the free 24 hour Parentline help number: 0808 800 2222, or discuss your concerns with a mental health therapist.