Uticopa Blog

How do we show our anger?

Here are two people arguing during a political protest. Both protesters became angry and aggressive, as evidenced by their body language and facial expressions. Their faces are flushed, the brow muscles have moved inward and downward, fixing a hard stare on the target. The nostrils have flared and the jaw muscles tend toward clenching. Also, raising of the arms and adopting a squared-off stance are early actions for attack and defense. The muscle tension provides a sense of strength and self-assurance. An impulse to strike out accompanies this subjective feeling of potency.

People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are:

• Expressing
• Suppressing
• Calming

How to express your anger

Repressing your anger can be bad for your mental health. The key is to express your anger without getting emotional about it.

The important thing is to make our anger constructive. It's the difference between anger and aggression or hostility that makes the difference. Sometimes we find that underneath the anger is sadness or another emotion.

Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive, non-aggressive, manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.

The instinctive, natural way to express anger is when we respond aggressively. However, in civilised society we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us. We have common-sense laws and social mores which place limits on how far our anger can take us.

Unexpressed anger can create problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behaviour (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.

How to suppress your anger

Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behaviour. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward - on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure or depression.

How to calm down your angry feelings

Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behaviour, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down and let the feelings subside.

Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both of you are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.

Some simple steps you can try:

• Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your stomach area. 
• Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.
• Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.
• Non-strenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.
• Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.

Counselling

If you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider counselling to learn how to handle it better. A psychologist or other qualified mental health professional can work with you in developing a range of techniques for changing your thinking and your behaviour.