In the press recently has been an account of how Julie Myerson, an author mother, wrote the true story of her anguish in ordering her drug-taking son permanently from their home. If nothing else, it shows the huge gulf between the mindsets of parents and their offspring. But, who is at fault: the mother for apparently ‘failing to understand' her son's behaviour and for failing to nurture him no matter what, or the son for his supposedly narcissistic attitude to life? The mental anguish on both sides can lead - if not checked - to bouts of severe depression and even suicide.
Narcissism is the term used by psychologists to define often-disparaged youthful mindsets. We all recognise the syndrome and remember it well from our own youth. There is that inflated self-esteem, imagining yourself to be cleverer or more attractive than everyone else, as you chase that elusive future glory for yourself. Whilst in this syndrome, young people don't want to show that they seek warmth, intimacy and commitment in relationships - that would look weak. They go to great lengths to boost their value in the eyes of others by ‘me, me, me' attention-seeking, taking credit where it's not due, courting high-status trophy partners and friends, and constantly chasing public acclamation.
Although complaints about ‘today's youth' have been recorded in history ever since the beginning of time, recent studies have shown that there is a definite rise in narcissism this century. Arguably, the advantages are that narcissists tend to report high self-esteem, happiness and life-satisfaction. They are also often likeable, are good at performing in social situations, tend to win in brief competitive tasks and will put themselves forward as leaders (though they do not tend to make good ones in the long term).
However, the disadvantages of increased narcissism in our young make depressing reading. They are prone to sexual promiscuity, risky behaviour and compulsions (drink, gambling and drugs). The costs of their impulsive behaviour and short-termism are often borne by others, so that they are usually unreliable romantic partners, aggressive, prone to crime, antisocial and selfish.
Above all, they have very distorted perceptions of their own abilities and deceive themselves and others about their emotional states. This is probably why they score highly on self-esteem, happiness and life-satisfaction - they exaggerate how wonderful they feel.
For decades American primary pupils have been pushed into self-esteem boosting lessons in which they sing songs with lyrics like "I am special/look at me". We only have to watch TV auditions of American Idol to see the results. Youngsters with little talent, but who have been built-up by their families and peers to believe that they have, are ultimately crushed by the brutal truth emitted by the English judge Simon Cowell.
But we should not be too smug. Urged by ‘happiness guru' Richard Layard, the government has backed similar programmes in UK schools and is in the process of training thousands of cognitive behavioural therapists to hypnotise the unemployed into believing they are happy.
While I like to think that the egos of our youth have not yet been falsely inflated to the same degree as their American cousins, we can all see the potential results.
For Julie Myerson, though, the anguish continues. We can all conjecture on why our children first seek the ‘highs' of cannabis and other drugs. Is society at large at fault for encouraging the very narcissism in our young that will lead to their eventual downfall? And, is the UK government at fault for encouraging the beginnings of this syndrome by boosting their ‘I am wonderful' mindsets?
What is certain is that, as in all things, balance and caution are required. Yes, we need to encourage our children to achieve the very best they can in our unavoidably competitive society, but not to become so narcissistic that they believe themselves to be invincible - with all that implies with regard to drug-taking and the consequent downward spiral to oblivion.
Who'd be a parent?
As usual, the answer to so many ills in the world - whether physical, mental or general - is more communication, love and understanding of each other.
‘The Lost Child' by Julie Myerson - published by Bloomsbury, 2009.
