Uticopa Blog

Have you ever felt that you don't fit in at social gatherings?  Maybe you have always had a low opinion of yourself, expect others to be equally critical and are constantly attuned to that first sign of rejection? This oversensitivity leads you to interpret benign feedback as negative, leaving you feeling distressed and wanting to go home again.

We are all meant to be sociable creatures. One of the first things we learn as babies is to copy mother's smile as she gazes adoringly down at us. We desire and need others' company to help us along life's long and twisted pathways. Deep down, we know that we will always need people, particularly at critical points in our lives.

 Yet, even the most confident of us can feel uncertain in daunting social situations - whether it's that first speech in front of our peers or even what to wear for that office party. It's something to do with the fear that we may be judged and found wanting. It's undoubtedly true that we are all afraid of social failure simply because most of us judge ourselves too harshly.

Yes, we're usually our own worst enemy, undermining our self-esteem, and spreading our negative feelings about ourselves. By so doing, we subliminally convince ourselves that others will judge us as harshly as we do ourselves. Paradoxically, this can become a self-fulfilling prophecy that increases our fears.

So, what can we do?  One of the most helpful things we can do is to learn to trust in ourselves by identifying the things we really care about.  This way, by focusing on what gives our lives some meaning, we can develop an inner sense of self that reduces our need for external validation.

As an example, let's say that you've identified your core values as being understanding, loving, compassionate and caring. By recognising these things you can actively aspire to bring these to your social interactions - even if you're having a difficult day.  Once you start to use these approaches with everyone you meet socially, you will feel less at the mercy of your previously paranoid or negative thinking.

The idea is to project positive feelings about yourself in all your communications. This is such a powerful thing to do that it will give instant results:  others will immediately be put at ease in your company. 

But, you may say that you have always been a shy person and could never exhibit yourself in front of others.  Even the shyest person can create for themselves a social identity that brings forth their own core values.  We don't have to be the most entertaining person in the room, or even the most talkative.  In fact, having a gentle, quiet persona can often be far warmer and welcoming to others. Whatever your natural personality, the important thing is to identify and be in touch with your own internal beliefs. This will give you an inner confidence that allows you to be less-distressed by perceived slights and careless words.

Many people are naturally selfish - it's in all our make-up - but don't realise it. Remember that the other person may well be so preoccupied with him or herself that you should not take things too personally. Things we think are about us, for example others' apparent lack of interest in us, their distance or offhand manner, are often about something else that is happening to them.

As you set out for that social event - the one you've been nervously worried about for ages - prime yourself with some gentle words of encouragement. Put aside your doubts and take with you the things you care about instead. On arrival, if you are warm, kind and responsive, these qualities are sure to attract you to others without your saying a word. Make a habit of smiling before you enter a room and see what a difference that makes. It will not only lighten your nerves but cheer those around you.

Overcoming your fears is less about other people, situations or events organised by others, and more about you.  Smile, and the world smiles with you.  As they smile, you relax and the whole world becomes a friendlier place. Fears are banished. Just try it.