Alan, 36, is a software programmer who met and fell in love with his girlfriend Lisa via an internet matchmaking site. They emailed for a few months before meeting face to face on their first date. At first Lisa was surprised that he didn't seem that interested and, at the end of the night, he kissed her on the cheek and asked to see her again. However, the more she saw of him, the more she relished his offbeat, quirky company. Also, she really appreciated his old-fashioned manner of holding doors open for her and happily carrying her parcels for her when they were out shopping.
It seemed like a match made in heaven. Alan was always courteous, polite and attentive and Lisa was a happy-go-lucky kind of girl, adoring and loving. However, it soon became apparent that something was not quite right. He didn't seem to care what anyone else thought of him. When he did take an interest in something, it would border on the obsessive.
It was after five months of their relationship that Lisa's feelings had deepened, but that was when everything started falling apart. As she craved more from their relationship, Alan seemed less and less willing or able to provide it. In turn, this made Lisa become more and more clingy and oversensitive as Alan showed all the feelings of disinterest. They started to argue, finally agreeing to split up. But, although in some ways Lisa was relieved at having to cope with his sometimes incomprehensibly insensitive behaviour, she missed him terribly.
A moment of revelation for Lisa came when, by sheer coincidence, she left her job in learning support to work with adults with Asperger's. She quickly realised, with shock, that Alan fitted the profile. There was no doubt about it: Alan ticked all the boxes of Asperger's. How could she not have seen it before?
Asperger syndrome is mostly a ‘hidden disability', a person's appearance showing no outward signs. And the three triggers she had now been taught to look for - social communication, social interaction and social imagination - were all missing in Alan. To add to the difficulty in diagnosis, people with Asperger's rarely have problems with speaking and are often of above average intelligence.
Lisa thought about what Alan had told her about his life. When growing up, he had never felt as if he fitted in. He had no true friends and found any occasions that involved socialising absolutely unbearable. Things that seemed so vital to everyone else left him cold, and he couldn't see the point in making small talk. Working in IT was an obvious attraction for him, with its minimal need for human contact. And, using the internet to find a girlfriend was a very useful offshoot. All the nervy opening lines could be effected by impersonal email, never needing to actually meet up until he was sure he had discovered someone who was on his wavelength.
When he first met Lisa in person, he was instantly attracted to her wide smile and witty conversation. She was intelligent and their relationship at first seemed uncomplicated. In the beginning he was very happy, but then things started to go very wrong. He couldn't understand it. What had he done? Lisa started demanding things that he just didn't know how to deliver, making him confused and unhappy. So, eventually he did the only thing he could: he shut down and pulled away.
When Lisa first mentioned Asperger's to him, he thought she was trying to invent reasons for their split. But, being curious, Alan secretly did some research on the disorder. He immediately identified with the signs. His life was very ordered. Each day he wore the same clothes and ate the same foods. It was less hassle that way. He had never been able to read facial expressions or body language - that was why he so liked working in the IT industry where that wasn't required - so was never able to gauge if he was offending or impressing someone. For as long as he could remember, he had developed nervous mannerisms like cracking his knuckles and tapping his feet. And he could never rid himself of those obsessive compulsion habits of constantly needing to check and recheck things before leaving the house.
It all fell into place. So much so that Alan and Lisa soon met up again as friends, not in so conventional a manner as before, but as real friends who understood each other perfectly. Alan no longer felt like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole, but as someone who had been taught how to integrate into the wider world more easily. And for Lisa, Alan has taught her not to be so conscious of what other people think.
If you know someone showing signs of the disorder, or if you recognise them in yourself, make an appointment with a mental health therapist. Why therapy? It can help not only bring a swift diagnosis but help to unlock the doors to a better life - as Alan at last found.
(Alan and Lisa's names have been changed).
