Uticopa Blog

"Anger is a great force. If you control it, it can be transmuted into a power which can move the whole world."  William Shenstone (Scottish writer, 1714-63)

Change the way you think

Angry people tend to swear or speak in highly colourful language that reflects their inner thoughts. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself "oh, everything's ruined," tell yourself "it's frustrating but it's not the end of the world and, in any case, getting angry is not going to make things any better."

Be careful of words like "this  *** machine never works!", which is not just inaccurate, it also serves to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's nothing you can do to solve the problem. Speaking like this also alienates and humiliates people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.

Use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is ‘not out to get you,' you're just experiencing life. It'll help you get a more balanced perspective.

Changing the way you think means learning how to translate your (angry) expectations into desires. "I would like" is healthier than "I demand" or "I must have" something. Some angry people use anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away.

Problem Solving

Sometimes our anger and frustration are caused by very real and unavoidable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem.

• Make a plan
• Check your progress along the way
• Resolve to give it your best

Don't punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it directly, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.

Communicate

Angry people tend to jump to - and act on - conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.

Listen to what is underlying the anger. For instance, if at home you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, but your partner wants more connection and closeness - don't react angrily to your partner's bad reaction by painting him/her as a jailer or an albatross around your neck.
 
It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.

A sense of humour

Whenever you feel a tense situation arising, whether at work or at home, try to employ an example of a pertinent situation comedy on TV, or a funny joke that you know will make others laugh. Humour defuses anger. 

What is necessary in any angry confrontation is not to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.

Changing your environment
 
Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury.
Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some ‘personal time' scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful.

Timing

If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night - perhaps you're tired or distracted, or maybe it's just habit - try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments. If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative such as a bus or commuter train.

The goal

The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't always get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your own reactions. That way lies improved mental health.