Possible Causes of Abuse

Pattern of abuse

An abuser’s goal is to take and maintain control over their partner, and this is often seen to be done in definable stages:

• Taking control – The abuser stamps their authority, lashing out in a violent or aggressive manner, testing their boundaries and setting new ones.
• Fear of discovery – After taking control the abuser feels guilt, not for what they have done, but over what might happen if they are caught.
• Blame – The abuser will often come up with fantastical excuses to rationalise what they have done, laying the blame squarely on the shoulders of the victim.
• All quiet – So that the victim does not just pack their bags and leave, the abuser will have quiet periods where they will act as though nothing has happened, become affectionate, or even apologetic. The aim is to give the victim hope that it was just a one-off and that they have changed.
• The setup – The abuser starts to fantasise about abusing their victim and plans ways of setting them up so that they can abuse them.
• The abuse continues – The cycle of abuse and denial or apology continues until the victim does something about it.

As well as physical violence, the abuser may use any number of ways to keep their victim in line and under control: 

Domination - Abusers need to be in control of all aspects of their victim’s lives. They will often tell their victim what to do, wear or say, and generally treat them like a possession or slave.

Isolation - The abuser will attempt to drive a wedge between the victim and any friends or family that threaten their complete dominance of them.

Intimidation - Fear is the abuser’s favourite tool. They will use any means at their disposal to scare their victim into submission. They will use threatening behaviour to hurt the victim, those the victim loves, pets or even themselves. They may also break things in front of the victim as a gesture of violence and a promise of the consequences of not obeying them.

Humiliation - To crush their victim’s confidence is another way of keeping them submissive and ensures that they are less likely to leave an abusive relationship. Insults, public humiliation, put-downs, anything that will erode the victim’s self esteem.